Total Drama Rap Battles
by The Cheesebub
Summary: All your favorite characters battle it out, rap style! You choose who competes next! Now, here it is! Bridgette vs Eva!
1. Chris vs Chef

**Total Drama Rap Battles is the new big thing! Watch as your favorite characters from Total Drama battle it out, rap style! Review every chapter saying who YOU want to see battle it out next! **

**First off, it's Chris Mclean vs Chef Hatchet. Battle of the hosts, one might call it. **

**Language Warning: VERY high T rating. Some swearing, sexual references, etc. **

**How it works: When reading, pronounce EVERY syllable in your head. It keeps the beat. Commas stand for a pause, while periods and exclamation points stand for longer pauses. **

**Epic Rap Battles of Total Drama! **

**Chris Mclean! (Shows Chris winking)**

**V.S.**

**Chef Hatchet! (Shows Chef hurling a knife throw midair)**

…

**Begin! **

**Chris Mclean**

_I'm the host with the most, Chris Mclean is the name! _

_Beating up dumb chefs with words, well that's, my game!_

_Look at yourself, Chef, what's happened to you? (pause)_

_You fat, ugly, creepy cook with too many tattoos! _

_I've got, twelve women in my trailer backstage, _

_When's the last time you were laid, back in 1998? _

_And no, Chef, I'm not counting your numerous date rapes._

_Word! The Mess Hall is a dive! _

_Your food tastes like crap, it makes me lose my sex drive!_

_But enough about your crappiness, let's move onto yours truly. _

_My good looks will batter you like a big batter bru-tally! _

_Look at my teeth! So pearly and white! They're so damn bright, they'll light up the night!_

_My skin's got the hue of a golden sunrise, _

_You know you can't possibly say otherwise. _

**Chef**

_Don't get me started on this shit, you prissy little prick, _

_You've got a miserable excuse for what most would call a dick! _

_You really think I care, _

_About your voluminous hair? _

_This is the kind of info that you really shouldn't share, bitch! _

_You're a female, face it, you'll never be a man! _

_You're the kind of crap I find at the bottom of my grease pan!_

_Just stop with the hosting! Just go skip away, _

_Cause the way, that you act, is kinda gay! _

_I was in the ar-my for two f**king decades and I went, and I fought in all fifty of the goddamn states _

_The biggest fight in which you've ever had to participate,_

_Was one of your heated hair moisture quality debates!_

_You're a washed-up loser, not a host with the most! _

_You can't rap to save your life, so you really shouldn't boast! _

_And I know this might be mean, but I really have to say it!_

_Cause when you open up your mouth, all you do is go and spray shit! _

**Chris**

_Just look at you! You're a Mr. T wannabe, _

_I'm Chris Mclean motherf**ker, maybe you've heard of me!_

_I stir up drama soup with a spoon and a bowl _

_Really all ya gotta do is stick a camper to a pole!_

_You've been in the army? Oh, we all know what you mean, _

_You were serving in Iraq on the soup kitchen team! _

_And all you really are is a rapist! Rapist…_

_A camper looks at you, you go all apeshit! Apeshit…_

**Chef**

_I have the right to go apeshit, they're ungrateful little bastards! _

_Don't they realize that Chef Hatchet is their all powerful master? _

_Just looking at you, Chris, makes me greener than a lima, _

_Watch me take my spatula and shove it right up your vagina! _

_If I could, I'd leave you stranded in a ditch. _

_Stop buying all those clothes from Abercrombie and Fitch. _

_Let's face it, Chris Mclean, you're practically Jeff Probst's bitch! _

_Flip you in the air and press you straight to the grill, _

_Maybe now you'll start giving me my paycheck bill! _

_Cause when it comes to the raps, you're lamer than the Zeke!_

_Maybe now you'll learn the fact, that you really shouldn't speak! _

**Who won? Who's next? You decide! Please Review!**


	2. Alejandro vs Noah

**Thanks for all the great reviews! Looking over them, it seemed that Noah was what people wanted next. Noah vs Alejandro seemed like a good idea, so here it is. Hope you enjoy! **

**Language Warning: T, as usual. Maybe not quite as bad as the Chris vs Chef battle.**

**Epic Rap Battles of Total Drama!**

**Alejandro! (Shows Alejandro winking) **

**V.S.**

**Noah! (Shows Noah reading his book and shrugging indifferently)**

…

**Begin! **

**Alejandro**

_Noah, please! (pause) You're no match for Mr. Handsome, _

_My raps will kidnap you and hold your ass for ransom! _

_Sure you know all these theories, bout space, and time, _

_But your fatass mind, _

_Just can't rhyme! _

_The ladies love my class, they love to kiss my ass, _

_They pay lots of money just to clean my sexy trash! _

_You're a sarcastic, know-it-all, scrawny punk, and_

_You've got the bod of Cody but the tude of Duncan. _

_Back in London, you called me an, eel, for real?_

_Your only friend is Owen, and he sees you as a meal! _

_I'm cool as a cucumber! You're life is just a bummer! _

_I'll slap you so hard you'll get dumber in your slumber. _

_You may, have a brain, but I still can cause you pain _

_Then rip off my shirt seductively and clean up the blood stains! _

**Noah**

_You may think that you won but I would go and check the score, _

_My quantum physics calculator indicates that you're a man-whore!_

_You think you got fangirls? I got twenty more! _

_Came from my witty remarks on Total Drama World Tour! _

_Listen, Burromuerto, I'll give you a world of hurt, _

_Get a brain before you go and just rip off your shirt!_

_You're a Mexican devil, but you don't have the smarts, _

_To compete on jeopardy against a bucket of Owen farts! _

_I could survive on my brain alone _

_While yours has shrunk, mine has grown! _

_I could break a brick with mental power, _

_My giant dick makes Einstein cower! _

_You wanna come fly with me? You'll come, and, die with me! _

_You were horribly humiliated by Heather on national TV! _

_Give me any math equation, and I'm positive I'll solve it. _

_My mental chemicals will take your rap up and dissolve it. _

_I'm the youngest in my family, but the smartest by far, _

_Go join your pal Justin! Rolling round naked in tar! _

**Alejandro**

_What's your problem, amigo? Are you mentally ill? _

_You have heart palpitations when you try to climb up a hill!_

_You'd get last place, in any single race, _

_Might I remind you? You kissed poor Cody on his face! _

_I can charm the ladies, just by calling them bitches, _

_As long as I've still got my good looks and my riches! _

_Everywhere I go, everybody stares! _

_Old ladies chase me in their motorized wheelchairs! _

_And I might as well tell you, Noah, it takes two easy clicks, _

_On Fanfiction! To find all the M-rated NoCo fics!_

_I may be evil, but my evil will make you bawl, _

_I'll batter you with balls like back in Dodgebrawl! _

**Noah**

_Sigh… it really starts to sound like you're wasting my time. _

_You're a slippery oil ball coated in rancid slime. _

_Sports are not my forte, but beating you is! _

_I'll take you down, with a trigonometry quiz! _

_Your hottest makeout session was with a pineapple fruit, _

_The angle of your life is extremely acute! _

_Trust me, with you, there is no square root. _

_And what's with that creepy-ass puppet you own? _

_You've killed innocents with your disgusting cologne!_

_You're a creeper! A Justin number two! A flake! _

_Stop fawning over your body, cause we all know it's fake!_

_With you in the world, I feel quite despondent, _

_You're as shallow as a baby pool, with a higher urine content! _

**Won won? Who's next? You decide! Please review! **


	3. Courtney vs Gwen

**So, by a unanimous decision, Noah was the winner of last time's rap battle. I've gotten quite a few requests for Courtney vs Gwen, and I've been wanting to do a female rap, so here it is. But to warn you: this is quite a bit more mean-spirited than the other ones. And that's saying something. **

**Language Warning: T, but there are many sexual references in this one. And a couple of F-bombs. **

**Epic Rap Battles of Total Drama! **

**Courtney (Shows Courtney growling and gritting her teeth)**

**V.S.**

**Gwen (Shows Gwen smirking)**

…

**Begin! **

**Courtney**

_You're a boyfriend stealer, it's a fact, I think I'll start my rap with that, _

_My rhymes are always organized, you string together rhyming crap! _

_You wanna take me down a notch? You're lookin' like a clown, beeyotch. _

_You think Duncan likes you as a person? His eyes are aimed right at your crotch! _

_Your gothiness cros-ses the line, you'll never ever be accepted!_

_But hey! (Pause) At least it gets that pervert Cody erected! _

_You've really got me pissed, you can't even write a list! _

_I'll imprint a list of why you suck inside your mind, with my fist!_

_I'm a respectable individual, the leading lady of my school, _

_You're just a freaky slut girl who looks like a creepy ghoul! _

_Ooo… did that hurt? Well it should, cause I hate you!_

_Was Trent smoking marijuana when he decided to date you? _

_You think you got friends? It was pity befriending,_

_You think you're a female? I really think it's pending, _

_The only time you've ever won is in an alternate ending! _

**Gwen**

_That's low, even for you, you goddamn dirty scoundrel, _

_How much political dick did you suck to be in Student Council?_

_I'm sorry I "stole" your boyfriend, but you need to calm down now._

_Besides, you clung to Duncan more than that piercing on his eyebrow! _

_You're completely wild! An overgrown child, with a pinch of Heather! _

_You're the brats of the world compiled together! _

_You're as pleasant as the undead, did you take your morning meds?_

_Oh, fuck it! I'll take your bird shit bucket, slam it over your head! _

_You amaze me, you lazy crazy PDA nutcase! _

_The only type of fan you'll have is one to cool your butt face! _

_You need to go away, how bout a mile down south? _

_The first time I saw you, I felt some bile in my mouth! _

**Courtney**

_**I** was C.I.T! You're a freak who needs Vitamin D!_

_So I'll add to your tan with of my hand _

_And hope I don't get an S.T.D!_

_You scare me to the extreme! _

_I now have Gwenaphobia, _

_Whenever you see another guy, it's a major case of disrobia! _

_I'm an expert diplomat, and a master at combat,_

_I'll take a bat, combat your ass,_

_Until you go splat! How about that?_

_Just look at your face! Needs a facial, says Chris. _

_So I'll smear on your face some eucalyptus!_

_All you do is talk about death in the confession! _

_The storyboard writers were, having depression, _

_And had a few shots of booze in possession, _

_When they created you, the one I rue_

_In their story writing session! _

**Gwen**

_Well, they must've killed themselves, after they made you,_

_Explains your new voice actor in episode 2! _

_After all, they'd made a character worse than Zeke,_

_But you don't even have a cool accent when you speak!_

_The only way you'll ever win is with your sex slave lawyer, _

_But even he, can't save you from me, the ultimate prom destroyer! _

_You act like you're five, and you're always complaining!_

_If you fail a challenge, you can't go without saying, _

_That you can fuck up your team, cause you're a counselor in training! _

_But that's not how it works in the real world, I'm afraid, _

_Just plug your big mouth! How bout with a grenade? _

_The future's already dark, you just add to the gloom, _

_I'll beat you real bad and spread green jelly in your wounds! _

**Who won? Who's next? You decide! Please Review! **


	4. Harold vs Duncan

**Well, there were very mixed views on who won the Gwen vs Courtney battle. In the end, it was exactly tied: 8 thought Courtney won, 8 thought Gwen won. So, seems the battle was somewhat more even than the first two. Now, Harold vs Duncan was a much requested battle, so here it is. Get ready! Also, the next chapter of my other story, Total Drama Returns, shouldn't be too much longer. I'm sorry it's taking so long. Lots of school work, I'll tell you that much. **

**Language Warning: VERY high T. Some very violent stuff from Duncan. And a very complicated word from Harold. **

**Epic Rap Battles of Total Drama! **

**Harold! (Shows Harold picking his nose)**

**V.S. **

**Duncan! (Shows Duncan cracking his knuckles and smirking) **

…

**Begin! **

**Harold**

_The name's Harold McGraty, and my mom says I'm the bomb, _

_If you try to take me down, I'll just go and respawn! _

_I never went to prom! But I seriously doubt you did, _

_You're like a jar of bastard paste, and no one's closed, the lid! _

_You're just an idiotic con! You'll never be a man again,_

_You're afraid of Seline Dion! A frickin' store mannequin! _

_Now you better get your chess on! Cause I'm, the king, _

_And you're nothing but a pawn! Shows what bad behavior can bring. _

_How would you like it if someone squished a burrito in your shorts? _

_The mess would be equal to the times you've been in court! _

_When douches laugh at me, well, I just diss em, _

_With words like antidisestablishmentarianism! _

**Duncan**

_Dude, did your mouth, just have a creepy dweeb spasm? _

_You're messed up! Reading a dictionary gives you an orgasm! _

_For that, I think I get to push you into a chasm!_

_It's where you belong, you ding with no dong! _

_What else can I say? You own a man thong. _

_You belong in a dumpster, not in Total Drama, _

_I've got a goddess named Gwen! You've got a man named Leshawna!_

_And you drool over her more than a geeky-ass llama! _

_Your voice sounds like someone kicked an asthmatic frog in the balls, _

_You'll never get a girl with those stupid bird calls! _

_How about some more hot sauce in those undies of yours? _

_Your nose is clogged up almost as much as your pores! _

_And what's with the stains on your Hanes? (pause) For that, I think, you deserve some pain!_

_So I'll stick your finger so far up nose that it punctures your brain! _

_Maybe some balls you'll gain!_

**Harold**

_Gosh! You're such an idiot, you barbaric bimbo bastard!_

_Sure, you've got a few skillz, but H-bomb can rap faster! _

_**Duncan moronus**__, or more commonly known, _

_As a douche who breaks bones cause his dick hasn't grown! _

_You make fun of my glasses, but they let me see in high-def, _

_When I kick bastard's asses! Don't worry, you're next. _

_And thanks for the pranks, but it's time for the payback, _

_Stay back! Take a look, at my awesome eight pack! _

_I know the quadratic formula, but that still can't explain now, _

_The point of your ugly-ass unibrow! Pow! _

_I can rewire watches, and get the beeyotches, _

_With my mad-charming skills, and my World of Warcraft kills!_

_Sure you won Total Drama Action, but that is just a fraction, _

_Of what I've achieved in life! All you've achieved is subtraction! _

**Duncan**

_Subtracting still won me ten times the hundred grand, bitch. _

_You want a gourmet meal? How bout an underwear sandwich? _

_Whenever you talk, geeky shit just sprays out, _

_And it hits non-nerdy innocents with its dorky gunk spout! _

_So I'll shut you up with my foot in your face, _

_Then in a fast pace, punch you into deep space!_

_Speaking of which, how does my foot taste? _

_So stop with the hating! There is no debating! _

_You give TV its very worst ratings, _

_With your constant male menstruating! _

_And why the fuck do you do figure skating? _

_Don't you see the gayness it is creating?_

_Have you ever heard of mating? (pause) With something besides a snail? _

_It'll be first contact when you're dating, the species they call female! _

**Who won? Who's next? You decide! Please review! **


	5. Lindsay vs Heather

**Well, for the first time ever, it seems Harold was finally able to beat Duncan at something. He won nine votes to three. Yeah, I'm not too happy with how that last rap battle turned out. But I'm REALLY happy how this one turned out. Girls, for some reason, are so much better at insulting each other. I don't know what it is. So enjoy! However, you should heed the language warning. **

**Language Warning: Could be classified as really low M, or VERY high T. This is definitely the most brutal one yet. We've got your swearing, your shitload of sexual references, and your other miscellaneous potty-mouthing. There's also a little brutal violence on Heather's part. So enjoy! **

**Epic Rap Battles of Total Drama! **

**Lindsay! (Shows Lindsay gazing flirtatiously at the camera)**

**V.S.**

**Heather! (Shows Heather looking around suspiciously)**

…

**Begin! **

**Lindsay**

_The first time I saw you, I guessed you were messed, _

_Your raps will fall flat, Helga, just like your chest! _

_Reading Gwen's diary? That was seriously uncalled for. _

_You better admire me, you sinister bald whore! _

_I can hypnotize guys when they see my bra size! _

_While you just tell lies, I'm a prize to the eyes! _

_So I may use fake tanner, but you're a freaky pale skin show, _

_And I'm sorry to tell you, but Albert's dick never will grow!_

_Your hair changes almost as much as your gender, _

_You're almost like some sort of not-so-slender gender bender! _

_I can't, even, count for shit, but I can count the hairs on your calves of fat,_

_You should probably shave your legs a bit, but then the guys'll have a heart attack! _

_And I hate to tell you this, but your haters have started their own mob, _

_But at least you have Harold! (Pause) I'm sure he'll give you a blowjob! _

**Heather**

_If this were an idiocy contest, you'd be picked in the first draft, _

_But the only thing you're good for, is licking Tyler's shaft! _

_Math? Haha, 2+2 would make you snap, _

_Just shut your moron mouth, and go sit on Chris's lap! _

_I'm the best villain this show's ever had, end of story!_

_You just make sexists like Ez-ek-iel enjoy more glory!_

_Cause they all know Admiral Lindsay her Hotness is nothing but, (pause) _

_A mental-minded, penis-sucking, yo-yo fetish slut! _

_Lindsay, c'mon! You'll never be strategic, _

_So I'll whip you with my hair so hard I'll make you paraplegic! _

_And so you want a tan? Get in this tanning booth, you cock bitch! _

_I'll lock you in till you shrivel up! Tyler won't have you to scratch his jock itch! _

**Lindsay **

_Didn't you give Al, like, years of painful surgery? _

_You're a skeleton! And I'm afraid your diet plan is purgery! _

_At least Tyler has strength! Albert has a vagina!_

_He was practically anorexic when you were visiting China!_

_Your tongue's been lots of places, and your breath causes nervous fits, _

_From deep in your cat's throat, to Owen's armpit! _

_Then down to your chest to tongue your own tit! _

_No wonder Harold quit, if he saw all this shit! _

_And I know that math equations to me may be cryptic, _

_But the way you walk, it looks like you have a bad hip tic! _

_Now that's an equation that anyone can do, _

_In Fanfiction, it's impossible to even make you a Mary Sue!_

_And there's no gum on your ass! Sit down, you bitch!_

_We already know that your bra has long been unhitched! _

_And so you think you can just cut in, make friends all of a sudden?_

_Go back to eating grape jelly from Owen's bellybutton, witch! _

**Heather**

_You barbarian blonde, you can't even open lids!_

_If it weren't for me you'd be a horny model for Gap Kids!_

_Watching you think, it causes such pain, _

_You've left a stain on this game with your cocaine-inhaling brain! _

_Seriously? Your shining moment was when you left with your "dignity" intact. _

_You thought you had everything, but virginity is what you lacked! _

_Can you even count? (pause) How bout you count Tyler's balls? _

_1… 2… oh wait, he doesn't have any! Or they're just way too small! _

_All I ask is that you solve just one simple fraction. Or are you just too high on meth? _

_Total Drama Action was lesbian action! Between you and that loser Beth! _

_You're like a Barbie doll; completely made of plastic, _

_Losing all your fake tanner should not be seen as drastic! _

_I can actually play the game, and I play it like a boss, _

_Enjoy being a prostitute for the rest of your life, having your pubic hair used as floss! _

**Who won? Who's next? You decide! Please Review! **


	6. Eva vs Bridgette

**Well, it took a little less than four months. And now, I finally have finished this rap battle. I have no excuses for how long this took. I am deeply sorry. Anyways, while this may not have been the most requested rap battle, I thought it would be fun to write, so here's Eva v.s. Bridgette. **

**Language Warning: Lots of swearing, as well as innuendo and minor violence. Eva's one harsh girl. O-O**

**Epic Rap Battles of Total Drama!**

**Eva (shows Eva biting off the head of a teddy bear)**

**V.S.**

**Bridgette (shows Bridgette smiling with her surfboard)**

…

**Begin!**

**Eva**

_FUCK YOU, BLONDIE GIRL! WON'T YOU EVER LEARN? _

_For the mermaid slut you are, I'll enjoy watching you burn! _

_You're so weak! Your character's nothing but filler! _

_At least **Tyler** got to have that gay-ass goth scandal spiller! _

_But what have you done? Seriously, what is your role? _

_To date an ass-hole? And make out with a pole? _

_And talk lots of bull bout surfing changing the soul? _

_Don't throw up on people, throw up in a bowl! _

_How dare you go behind my back and betray? _

_Your character's nothing but risqué cliché! _

_I'm the new queen, you won't be the whore of the screen,_

_And I'll whip you into a whore-bag puree! _

_You're NOT a Veget-ar-ian, so why don't you quit your rambling?_

_I've SEEN you eating meat; it came in the form of Ezekiel's man bling!_

_So I'll deal you some slaps, and I'll SLAUGHTER your raps, _

_Cause all you're good for, is causing a chorus of faps! _

_You're a fucking disgrace to the feminine race! _

_You suck at life, just like you suck on Geoff's face! _

**Bridgette**

_At first I couldn't do this, (pause) but now I think I can, _

_Cause whenever I see you, I think "Why are there boobs on this man?"_

_Hm? Eva? Who's that? Nobody gives that a crap! _

_Here's a fact: you're not even on the reality show map! _

_My god, it's an iPod, not your frickin' salvation! _

_When you achieve your damnation you'll get a standing ovation! _

_Seriously, what happened? Did you suffer castration? _

'_Cause your face is good for ending even Cody's masturbation! _

_Your ego's so large, it's smashed into the ceiling, _

_The thought of your looks makes dolphin burgers sound appealing!_

_Eva's a winner? That's the word that I've heard, _

_But what winner places at twenty-third?_

_So you'll be drenched in defeat, but never confetti,_

_The only guy who'd go down on you is a drunken homo yeti! _

_You deal hit after hit, and have fit after fit, _

_If you're lesbian, just grow some balls and come out with it! _

**Eva**

_**I'M **A LESBIAN? Have you read a single story on this site? _

_BridgettexHeather! BridgettexCourtney! Bridgette x an OC hermaphrodite!_

_SO HOW ABOUT THAT? Stop wearing Geoff's hat!_

_You'd sink twenty surfboards, you're so GODDAMN FAT! _

_Sure you were the first one to jump, for the Killer Bass, _

_Now go jump your ass off a freeway overpass! _

_I'm a star athlete beyond compare! Worthy of being Olympic, _

_While I am hurling ja-ve-lins, you're helping Geoff with his dick pics!_

_Sure you talk the talk, but you can't walk a block, _

_Without tripping and smashing your face on a rock! _

_While I'm the top hawk, you're just a bitch in a flock! _

_And your boyfriend's head looks like a circumcised cock!_

_So don't even look at me, you oral pole abuser, _

_There's only one place you belong: THE BOAT OF FUCKING LOSERS!_

**Bridgette**

_Geez, Eva! (pause) Say it, don't spray it!_

_You need to be on medication, no other way to convey it! _

_You have no frickin' plot, you're completely one tone;_

_Talking shouldn't sound like you're passing a kidney stone! _

_I'd rather spend a week in the woods, all alone,_

_Than have to deal with you and your out-of-control testosterone!_

_I tried to be kind! But you were just blind, _

_Now you're calling yourself a winner from the Aftermath sidelines!_

_I've just had enough! _

_Seriously, you're not so tough! _

_You're all just for show, like those steroids you huff!_

_But since I'm so nice, I guess I'll give you some tips, _

_Apologize to the teams, from the Bass to the Grips, _

_For dipping yourself in ten kinds of bitch dips, _

_And do something before your mole causes a solar eclipse! _

_And so you call yourself an athlete? The winner of the cup?_

_Then you can direct your mouth to athletically **SHUT THE FUCK UP**_!

**Who won? Who's next? You decide! **


End file.
